Post by Razuberri ♣ on Jun 7, 2010 9:56:21 GMT -5
Yep. Its exactly what it says. I'm spilling my guts out to you. My very soul! Cause this is really my only place to go. :) I might have put on my dA journal, but just anyone can read that, and more of yall guys are on here. And I won't put on NR, cause that is were none of this crap matters. :)
Note//: I'm might be a little, fancy with my tongue in here. So if your offended by rude language, or just disapprove completely, just skip this. Beware of the F-bomb.
OK, lets start from beginning. Cause truthfully, I have never, ever spilled like this before. Not to anyone. SO yes, you can feel special! :) I hate putting my problems on other peoples shoulders, and if I don't let go of any of this soon, I will blow. Really. I don't tell people my problems, ever.
I moved to were I live know five years ago, nearly six. If I hadn't I would have never found TMMP, but sometimes I wonder if its really worth that. Cause were I used to live, I was even more naive then I am now. And the level of drama was zero. Either that, or it was just the innocence of childhood. Cause I moved to were I live now just as everybody is finally getting the picture about boys and chicks. Of course, all the students at new school were miles ahead of me in this area of knowledge. Hell, the first curse word I heard was at my elementary school. :| Great, I know. So I really didn't have that many friends, only like five friends for the first couple years of existence in my town. Of course now, I don't talk those original friends much, I'm not good enough for them now. Especially my old BFF for life, I think she hates me now. I have no idea why. :\ If its possible for a 6th grader to be depressed, I was. My life mostly sucked from my point of view during that time in my life. Then, the magical thing called junior high happened. Yay. I really hated junior high. That sucked. I made more friends, but this were all the 'clics' really started to stick out. If hadn't been in band, I don't know what would have happened to me. I probably would have no friends. Fun, I know. I did have fun in junior high though, but this is were things got messy. Peoples minds got freaking dirty, and I was poisoned. I still hate my math class for ruining my mind. >| These were my depressed years, I would cry myself to sleep cause I felt this huge hole in my chest. I thought it was from missing my home, but it was just me not knowing what I wanted in life. When I found what I really enjoyed, my life started to piece itself together. And now time passes, and BANG. High school.
I've actually really like high school. I don't really have any drama. My friends would complain about boys and drama, but none of it really effected me. Cause as my friends put it, 'its always rainbows in razu land!' And it is. But sometimes, whats left of my depression hits me, and feel really alone. I know I have never tasted poverty, and nothing ever really bad happens to me. But I still feel really empty every once in a while. I don't know why.... GR. I never really had a crush on anyone the whole first semester, which was good. I didn't need guys in my way. :) Though, I am a hopeless romantic. x) In a good way{Look up the def in urban dictionary, you'll find my state of mind}. I've read to many romance books in my day, its not healthy.... P: Which is why my screw mind works in a romantic way. Cha. The only kinda drama me started in band UIL season.
After school on wednesdays, I had to sit and wait around for my friend to finish up sectionals for her band so we could walk home together, do hw, then choir practice{that was always fun btw XD}. And this dude, lets call him Blake for now, always hung out after school on wednesdays too. We where in the school play together back in junior high{after my depression}. So I got some courage through my friend Jordan{female btw, she is a chick} and I finally started talking to him again. Cause when it comes to dudes I don't know, I flop. I am intensely shy to people I don't know well in the RW.... Really. But I got to really know him again, and it was fun. And one day, I was really just feeling like crap, so he just sat next to me, we said a few things, but mostly we just sat there. And I was really OK with it, until another friend came up. She stood there, and looked from me to Blake to me to blake. Then she just had to put in, "Are you two going out?" I nearly coughed before saying NO. I don't know what Blake said, I didn't hear. Then she laughed and said she was joking. I guess it was from look on one of our faces, idk... But he sat there only like 30 seconds longer before walking away. Cause it got awkward then. Ever since then, he has kinda half avoided me. Which I hate, cause he is fun to be around. Of course that night, was sitting in bed. And that comment kept going threw my mind. And then, it hit me. Which lead to me launching my pillow at my ceiling, screaming. "I DON'T LIKE HIM DAMNIT!!!" Cause, I just have this thing against liking people. I rather wait till I'm out of high school to date, my life will be better that way. I know this from all the advice people have given me. But my damn romantic side is just dieing to have someone to like. Cause you don't know how frickin' jealous i am of all those damn couples. :| Most the time when I pass by them in the halls I go - cute! But sometimes, I'm like - jealously...... ANYWAY, on what ever subject I was on. Now after that night, I have the hardest time looking into his face, cause I'm stupid that way. And when I do, he is either looking the opposite way, or right in my eyes. And when someone looks in my eyes, I can't turn away. I feel bad for looking away. So, we'll sit there looking at each other until something comes along. And the best part of this, is that my friend started getting interested in him. Right before I was going to tell her I had a little crush on him. Which made me liking him seem sooooo much worse. I can't tell my best friend that I like the same dude she does. And Jordan is a total pimp, she gets the guy she wants. Men just like her. {she isn't a slut, men just heart her.....} So I knew the moment she set her gaze on him, I was doomed. I mean, Blake is a pimp too. Chicks just attract to him, which made me liking him even freakin worse. And this is were it gets good. Jordan and Blake start to text.... Illegal/naughty shit. I hope you get what I mean. If you don't its ok. :) SO I told myself, don't like him. He is a jackass, and a perv! He may be funny, tall, cute, and really nice. But any dude who texts like that is bad. BUT, I just couldn't. You see, with me, I just can't stop liking someone. I see the good in everyone, and I just can't help but love you in a friend way. And I just can't stop being your friend, even if you slap me across the face. Its a bad trait, I know. So if I like Blake, I really can't just stop liking him. It's just not possible for me. After a while, Jordan lost her sight on him, and moved on. Then proceeded to tell me that she swore that he liked me, and was never interested in her. Another friend vouched for her. Jordan said like, when ever they talked, I was always in the conversation. She told me when Blake came over to swim over at her house, he was all like, "if Lola was here, the pool would be a hot tub!' Hm. But still, all the rest of the school year, he seemed to avoid me. I don't know why. ...... :( .... pout.... And I thought I was over him, finally. But every time I see him, my heart bounces and..... gr... >////////>
OK, next. During this time, I grew purtty close to another one of my guy friends. Lets call him Sean. He is one of my best guy friends. We speak french together and chiz, its awesome. :) And I was really glad just to have him as a friend. And seeing as he has always been a, er... Touchy/flirtly type, I never really suspected anything from him. Its just the way Sean is. Of course, I started to notice a little something. But it didn't really hit me when I was talking to Bailey one day, and she said. "You and Sean would make a cute couple. He is so likes you!" Which after followed a chorus of, 'yeahs' from the rest of my friends. Which I brushed off. Until I couldn't ignore it anymore. I really was happy to be around Sean, and I texted him more then anyone else. {Blake is a horrible texter, btw.... He just fails x) ...} Which is basically, the same thing I felt for Blake. :| I told myself it was just because we are really good friends. But when asked my friends some 'relationships' questions {God, that sounds so odd. O_o} and looked threw my God damn girly magazines and took those fucking 'love' {*bats eyelashes here* stupidly cause this all sounds so stupid} quizzes. And they were all like, 'he likes you!!!' and 'your head over heels for him!'. Which pissed me off. Cause I really didn't want to like anyone. Though truthfully, I would love just to be held by my guy..... But I just don't want to like anyone right now, just go with it OK? =/////=
SOOOOO, last saturday. Ya, the one thats closest to today that already happened.... June the 5th? Well, a friend of mine had a party. {it was great!!!, btw} And both Blake and Sean were there. Did I mention they are like, best dude friends to a point of near gayness. XD Its funny. So during the party, I found myself talking to Sean alot. But when he left to go get something, I was stuck with Blake. I looked around, then looked at Blake. Who was already looking at me. And we just kinda stare into each others eyes until Sean returned or something like that. And in the hot tube{dear God, the fucking hot tub *headdesk*} We played "Have you ever?" Which is like, a game of truth were you hold up ten fingers, and who ever reaches no fingers first loses. If somebody says something you've done, you lose a finger. I was quite proud of myself, didn't lose a single finger. Of course, that attributes that I've never had boyfriend, since we happened to be playing a dirty version of the game. Lets just say I won by a freakishly huge landslide. The worst part to the whole thing was the, 'Have you had sexual fantasies of anyone before?' I was clean{I've had fantasies, but they've been clean, I swear by the love of all things holy in Tokyo Mew Mew}. And like everyone went down. And Blake, and Sean were like "not saying". And the host of the party, who I also swear likes me, or at least he used to- my friend told me so; and he was like "NO, that person is the circle and...." I laughed at him deep down in side, he is so sad.... But he's a good kid. XD Then we played a tid bit of truth or dare. My dare; lick someone's arm. Since my friend Rachel was there, I obviously licked her arm since everyone else was a dude. But part of what got me, was that Blake also stuck out his arm. Then we discussed how to lick someone's arm, and how I had to redo it again. But the guys got bored before we could ever finish. That made Blake sad, he never got a dare. XD We then played hide-and-seek. Which I fail at, btw. Sean helped me get Blake eventually. And Blake got him back. :D Then I had to leave. Sean texted me later, and all he said was one; once I left one of the dudes said "Not gonna lie; Lola's got a nice body." {I saved that text on my phone cause it makes me feel good about myself >w<} Then all the guys did that 'nod and grunt thing' in Sean words. AND, two; Sean and Blake laid 'shirtless on top of each other' and talked basically talked about feeling over half the night.... I know weird guys.
So I sat here today, thinking about all this. And kinda hit me then. If both Blake and Sean like, then I'm a fucking deep hole. It would kinda like Hana Kimi {The dude BFFs like the same girl, and they fight over her some{at least the really fight over her in the live action drama that I love <3} sorry for bad example} And if they both liked me, that means I would be involved in a fucking 'love triangle'. Did I ever mention I HATE love triangles, cause you never know who the chick is going to be with. And look, GREAT, my life may be one..... I never really had to deal with this kind of shit before, so I have no idea what the hell to do. Pffffffff, this hurts my brain! Cause it is sunshine and rainbows up there, but.... *headdesk*
Sorry I took up so much space with my pathetic excuse of drama. I know I am very blessed, and I feel so horrible to complain and such, but I really really needed to tell someone about this besides air particles. Thanks for making it the whole way through, you guys are great. Pardon my french up there, I needed to vent badly. :)
Note//: I'm might be a little, fancy with my tongue in here. So if your offended by rude language, or just disapprove completely, just skip this. Beware of the F-bomb.
OK, lets start from beginning. Cause truthfully, I have never, ever spilled like this before. Not to anyone. SO yes, you can feel special! :) I hate putting my problems on other peoples shoulders, and if I don't let go of any of this soon, I will blow. Really. I don't tell people my problems, ever.
I moved to were I live know five years ago, nearly six. If I hadn't I would have never found TMMP, but sometimes I wonder if its really worth that. Cause were I used to live, I was even more naive then I am now. And the level of drama was zero. Either that, or it was just the innocence of childhood. Cause I moved to were I live now just as everybody is finally getting the picture about boys and chicks. Of course, all the students at new school were miles ahead of me in this area of knowledge. Hell, the first curse word I heard was at my elementary school. :| Great, I know. So I really didn't have that many friends, only like five friends for the first couple years of existence in my town. Of course now, I don't talk those original friends much, I'm not good enough for them now. Especially my old BFF for life, I think she hates me now. I have no idea why. :\ If its possible for a 6th grader to be depressed, I was. My life mostly sucked from my point of view during that time in my life. Then, the magical thing called junior high happened. Yay. I really hated junior high. That sucked. I made more friends, but this were all the 'clics' really started to stick out. If hadn't been in band, I don't know what would have happened to me. I probably would have no friends. Fun, I know. I did have fun in junior high though, but this is were things got messy. Peoples minds got freaking dirty, and I was poisoned. I still hate my math class for ruining my mind. >| These were my depressed years, I would cry myself to sleep cause I felt this huge hole in my chest. I thought it was from missing my home, but it was just me not knowing what I wanted in life. When I found what I really enjoyed, my life started to piece itself together. And now time passes, and BANG. High school.
I've actually really like high school. I don't really have any drama. My friends would complain about boys and drama, but none of it really effected me. Cause as my friends put it, 'its always rainbows in razu land!' And it is. But sometimes, whats left of my depression hits me, and feel really alone. I know I have never tasted poverty, and nothing ever really bad happens to me. But I still feel really empty every once in a while. I don't know why.... GR. I never really had a crush on anyone the whole first semester, which was good. I didn't need guys in my way. :) Though, I am a hopeless romantic. x) In a good way{Look up the def in urban dictionary, you'll find my state of mind}. I've read to many romance books in my day, its not healthy.... P: Which is why my screw mind works in a romantic way. Cha. The only kinda drama me started in band UIL season.
After school on wednesdays, I had to sit and wait around for my friend to finish up sectionals for her band so we could walk home together, do hw, then choir practice{that was always fun btw XD}. And this dude, lets call him Blake for now, always hung out after school on wednesdays too. We where in the school play together back in junior high{after my depression}. So I got some courage through my friend Jordan{female btw, she is a chick} and I finally started talking to him again. Cause when it comes to dudes I don't know, I flop. I am intensely shy to people I don't know well in the RW.... Really. But I got to really know him again, and it was fun. And one day, I was really just feeling like crap, so he just sat next to me, we said a few things, but mostly we just sat there. And I was really OK with it, until another friend came up. She stood there, and looked from me to Blake to me to blake. Then she just had to put in, "Are you two going out?" I nearly coughed before saying NO. I don't know what Blake said, I didn't hear. Then she laughed and said she was joking. I guess it was from look on one of our faces, idk... But he sat there only like 30 seconds longer before walking away. Cause it got awkward then. Ever since then, he has kinda half avoided me. Which I hate, cause he is fun to be around. Of course that night, was sitting in bed. And that comment kept going threw my mind. And then, it hit me. Which lead to me launching my pillow at my ceiling, screaming. "I DON'T LIKE HIM DAMNIT!!!" Cause, I just have this thing against liking people. I rather wait till I'm out of high school to date, my life will be better that way. I know this from all the advice people have given me. But my damn romantic side is just dieing to have someone to like. Cause you don't know how frickin' jealous i am of all those damn couples. :| Most the time when I pass by them in the halls I go - cute! But sometimes, I'm like - jealously...... ANYWAY, on what ever subject I was on. Now after that night, I have the hardest time looking into his face, cause I'm stupid that way. And when I do, he is either looking the opposite way, or right in my eyes. And when someone looks in my eyes, I can't turn away. I feel bad for looking away. So, we'll sit there looking at each other until something comes along. And the best part of this, is that my friend started getting interested in him. Right before I was going to tell her I had a little crush on him. Which made me liking him seem sooooo much worse. I can't tell my best friend that I like the same dude she does. And Jordan is a total pimp, she gets the guy she wants. Men just like her. {she isn't a slut, men just heart her.....} So I knew the moment she set her gaze on him, I was doomed. I mean, Blake is a pimp too. Chicks just attract to him, which made me liking him even freakin worse. And this is were it gets good. Jordan and Blake start to text.... Illegal/naughty shit. I hope you get what I mean. If you don't its ok. :) SO I told myself, don't like him. He is a jackass, and a perv! He may be funny, tall, cute, and really nice. But any dude who texts like that is bad. BUT, I just couldn't. You see, with me, I just can't stop liking someone. I see the good in everyone, and I just can't help but love you in a friend way. And I just can't stop being your friend, even if you slap me across the face. Its a bad trait, I know. So if I like Blake, I really can't just stop liking him. It's just not possible for me. After a while, Jordan lost her sight on him, and moved on. Then proceeded to tell me that she swore that he liked me, and was never interested in her. Another friend vouched for her. Jordan said like, when ever they talked, I was always in the conversation. She told me when Blake came over to swim over at her house, he was all like, "if Lola was here, the pool would be a hot tub!' Hm. But still, all the rest of the school year, he seemed to avoid me. I don't know why. ...... :( .... pout.... And I thought I was over him, finally. But every time I see him, my heart bounces and..... gr... >////////>
OK, next. During this time, I grew purtty close to another one of my guy friends. Lets call him Sean. He is one of my best guy friends. We speak french together and chiz, its awesome. :) And I was really glad just to have him as a friend. And seeing as he has always been a, er... Touchy/flirtly type, I never really suspected anything from him. Its just the way Sean is. Of course, I started to notice a little something. But it didn't really hit me when I was talking to Bailey one day, and she said. "You and Sean would make a cute couple. He is so likes you!" Which after followed a chorus of, 'yeahs' from the rest of my friends. Which I brushed off. Until I couldn't ignore it anymore. I really was happy to be around Sean, and I texted him more then anyone else. {Blake is a horrible texter, btw.... He just fails x) ...} Which is basically, the same thing I felt for Blake. :| I told myself it was just because we are really good friends. But when asked my friends some 'relationships' questions {God, that sounds so odd. O_o} and looked threw my God damn girly magazines and took those fucking 'love' {*bats eyelashes here* stupidly cause this all sounds so stupid} quizzes. And they were all like, 'he likes you!!!' and 'your head over heels for him!'. Which pissed me off. Cause I really didn't want to like anyone. Though truthfully, I would love just to be held by my guy..... But I just don't want to like anyone right now, just go with it OK? =/////=
SOOOOO, last saturday. Ya, the one thats closest to today that already happened.... June the 5th? Well, a friend of mine had a party. {it was great!!!, btw} And both Blake and Sean were there. Did I mention they are like, best dude friends to a point of near gayness. XD Its funny. So during the party, I found myself talking to Sean alot. But when he left to go get something, I was stuck with Blake. I looked around, then looked at Blake. Who was already looking at me. And we just kinda stare into each others eyes until Sean returned or something like that. And in the hot tube{dear God, the fucking hot tub *headdesk*} We played "Have you ever?" Which is like, a game of truth were you hold up ten fingers, and who ever reaches no fingers first loses. If somebody says something you've done, you lose a finger. I was quite proud of myself, didn't lose a single finger. Of course, that attributes that I've never had boyfriend, since we happened to be playing a dirty version of the game. Lets just say I won by a freakishly huge landslide. The worst part to the whole thing was the, 'Have you had sexual fantasies of anyone before?' I was clean{I've had fantasies, but they've been clean, I swear by the love of all things holy in Tokyo Mew Mew}. And like everyone went down. And Blake, and Sean were like "not saying". And the host of the party, who I also swear likes me, or at least he used to- my friend told me so; and he was like "NO, that person is the circle and...." I laughed at him deep down in side, he is so sad.... But he's a good kid. XD Then we played a tid bit of truth or dare. My dare; lick someone's arm. Since my friend Rachel was there, I obviously licked her arm since everyone else was a dude. But part of what got me, was that Blake also stuck out his arm. Then we discussed how to lick someone's arm, and how I had to redo it again. But the guys got bored before we could ever finish. That made Blake sad, he never got a dare. XD We then played hide-and-seek. Which I fail at, btw. Sean helped me get Blake eventually. And Blake got him back. :D Then I had to leave. Sean texted me later, and all he said was one; once I left one of the dudes said "Not gonna lie; Lola's got a nice body." {I saved that text on my phone cause it makes me feel good about myself >w<} Then all the guys did that 'nod and grunt thing' in Sean words. AND, two; Sean and Blake laid 'shirtless on top of each other' and talked basically talked about feeling over half the night.... I know weird guys.
So I sat here today, thinking about all this. And kinda hit me then. If both Blake and Sean like, then I'm a fucking deep hole. It would kinda like Hana Kimi {The dude BFFs like the same girl, and they fight over her some{at least the really fight over her in the live action drama that I love <3} sorry for bad example} And if they both liked me, that means I would be involved in a fucking 'love triangle'. Did I ever mention I HATE love triangles, cause you never know who the chick is going to be with. And look, GREAT, my life may be one..... I never really had to deal with this kind of shit before, so I have no idea what the hell to do. Pffffffff, this hurts my brain! Cause it is sunshine and rainbows up there, but.... *headdesk*
Sorry I took up so much space with my pathetic excuse of drama. I know I am very blessed, and I feel so horrible to complain and such, but I really really needed to tell someone about this besides air particles. Thanks for making it the whole way through, you guys are great. Pardon my french up there, I needed to vent badly. :)
